A Grinch’s Guide to Atypical Holiday Movies

If you’re like me (and you aren’t because I’m special goddammit) then you are tired of watching the same 3 overly saccharine Christmas movies every year. Luckily, there has been a cultural uprising as of late to include Die Hard into the Christmas movie line-up as a sweet piece of counter-culture. It’s a good start, but what if you aren’t a fan of action films or typical Christmas movies? I thought it would be fun to list a couple atypical films outside that could be the new tradition your family has been waiting for. Without further ado:

  1. A Christmas Kubrick Double Feature: The Shining and Eyes Wide Shut
    Two great films by arguably the world’s greatest director, set in the jolliest of times. What’s more to want? Watch as the Torrance family explore a winter wonderland at the Overlook Hotel in The Shining. Just make sure you don’t get lost in the hedge maze!
    Then, what better way to bond with your loved ones than with an enchanted evening of beautiful winter parties and secret masked cult orgies in Eyes Wide Shut? Imagine. Roasting chestnuts and eating candy canes as Tom Cruise bangs a hooker. If that’s not in the spirit of Christmas…then what is?
  2. The Polar Express But It’s Badass: Snowpiercer
    Image result for Snowpiercer
    Sure, Tom Hanks gives a hell of a performance as the magical train conductor in the whimsical Polar Express, but you’ve seen him bring those tots to the north pole a hundred times! Snowpiercer (which not enough people have seen) has Chris Evans and Tilda Swinton on a magical train that is humanity’s last respite on a frozen Earth. Nothing like a horrifying dystopia to put into perspective how blessed and thankful we are on this wonderful day! Also it acts as a good way to talk about the politics of global warming with your crazy conservative uncles!
  3. Nothing’s Cozier Than A Research Station: John Carpenter’s: The Thing
    Image result for The Thing
    You and your loved ones will hold each other near not for warmth but for fear! Watch as the scientists in The Thing try desperately to figure out who’s the alien and not get eaten! The body horror will make for good table talk during the Christmas feast, and you could discuss which relative would look best as a spider-crab-head. Plus Kurt Russell is a national treasure and should be celebrated as such; I suggest an angelic tree-topper of his character from Tombstone.
  4. Rudolph the Red Nosed Tauntaun: Star Wars Episode 5 -Empire Strikes Back
    Image result for Hoth
    What better way to celebrate Christmas then with a film about family? Technically about capturing, murdering, and de-handing your family. Luke’s perils on the icy planet Hoth will make you really appreciate that fireplace crackling in your living room. Plus you can wow your family with all your sick Star Wars trivia. Did you know that Vader doesn’t say “Luke, I am your Father”?!?!? Now you can see for yourselves!! #MANDELLAEFFECT #BLESSED
  5. Whatever you want to watch because Christmas is about enjoying time with your family and you shouldn’t let anyone or these weird cultural norms dictate what you put in your dvd player but I swear to god if I have to watch A Christmas Story one more time I’m going to blow up the TBS headquarters god help me.
    So there you have it! Do you have any special holiday movie traditions? Leave a comment below to let us know!
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    SECRET BONUS LIST! 3 Cherished Christmas Movies That Are Actually Trash But No One Will Admit It Because They Have Become Culturally Significant
    3. It’s a Wonderful Life: More like shitty people doing shitty things and being surprised things don’t work out.
    2. Miracle on whatever street: Lets let an insane old dude who committed assault hang around our kids. Not sure who’s more insane this “Santa” or the townspeople. LOCK HIM UP
    1. A Christmas Story: Fuck. This. Movie.
    (don’t @ me bro)

If you’re feeling slightly more Christmas than Aaron, but want to embrace your weird side, listen to AJ and Ryan discuss the 25th anniversary of The Nightmare Before Christmas on We Bought a Cabin in the Woods!

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